So… I really shouldn’t be up right now.. because I have to get up for work in about 4 hours… soo i need the sleep… but this is just on my mind, and I wanna blog about it!
On a completely unrelated note… I got some food out of the fridge, ate half of it… and then went to sleep… never put it back in the fridge… when I woke up, it was in the fridge… my parents hadn’t touched it. Creepy? yes. I sleep walk, we decided.
Anyway… today was a very long day for me…
I was going to wake up at 8 am to study some more for a Calculus exam I had today… and I woke up at 9:50. and I have class at 10:20, and it takes about 15-20 minutes to get there. No study time. So my day started out rushed, and people were on my nerves, red lights were annoying… the usual. My radio is on, and a song by Tenth Avenue North comes on, “By Your Side”… I started crying before my math exam, while i was driving to class “Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? let me lift up your face… Just don’t turn away. Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough? To where will you go child? Tell me where will you run? To where will you run? Cause I’ll be by your side wherever you fall in the dead of night, whenever you call”….
Honestly, these lyrics made me cry this morning… because I have been just pushed to my limit…. Stretched as far as I will go… and I just can’t do it anymore… It’s a pattern that I’ve noticed… I go to guys. To get my happiness, and my joy in life… I find it in guys. (Dumb idea, in case you were wondering). I put all my hope and dreams and thoughts into guys, that just treat me like crap. When, really… I just need to remember that my joy comes from the Lord. God is never changing. He’s the same yesterday as today as tomorrow. He’s not going anywhere. He won’t treat me like crap. He never leaves me.
So anyway, driving to class, that song came on and the lyrics “why are you crying? Let me lift up your face” came on right as I started to cry…which, of course made me cry even harder. (By the way, It’s not very safe to cry and drive at the same time… you can’t see the road. just a note for the future).
So at this point it’s like 10:10, and there’s no open parking spots… just as I was getting frustrated at having to park 8 miles away someone pulls out of the absolutely closest spot I could possibly get to… and no one else was waiting, so i just pull in and head to class. (God thing. definitely)
So anyway, I walk into my classroom and some girl is sitting in my seat. I’ve had that seat since Day 1. and then all of a sudden, this girl takes my seat. How rude, right!??! Turns out to be a good thing. I sat in the back of the room, and was able to review for the test with the girl in front of me… which I wouldn’t have done if I had been in my normal seat. So I’m taking my test… I go through and do all of the ones I absolutely know how to do. 35% of the test. (at this point I’m thinking I’m screwed). So I flip through the pages about 8 times hoping something will come to me, and then i take a stab at a question, and work it a couple of times, then all of a sudden out of nowhere, I remember how to do the problem. Same thing happened for the rest of the 65% of the test. the processes just popped into my head. Sooo… I either made a 35% on the test… or like, a 90. So anyway, I hand in the test… (one of the first ones finished, too..) and walk outside.
Grey skies. Cloudy, stormy, yucky. A few rain drops, here and there… as soon as I get in my car, it starts to rain. My radio comes on: “What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears. What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re here. What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.”
Are you being serious, God? okay. Do you ever have those days where you know that God is being very obvious about speaking to you…. that was today.
so those lyrics came on right as it started downpouring… these are the lyrics:
“We pray for blessings. We pray for peace. Comfort for family. Protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.. And all the while you hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things. Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.
We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear. We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love. As if every promise from your word is not enough. And all the while you hear each desperate plea, and long that we’d had the faith to believe….. When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win. we know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home. it’s not our home. What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy? And what if trials of this life… the rain, the storms, the hardest nights are your mercies in disguise.”
So that one ended, and I’m still crying… then the song “How Great is Our God” comes on by Chris Tomlin. Just call me a blubbering basket case at this point. “How great is our God, sing with me… How great is our God! And all will see how Great! How great is our God!.,.. Age to age he stands, and time is in his hands. Beginning and the end. Beginning and the end.”
so then I decide, “okay… the music is done speaking to me. God’s got it under control. “…So I pull out of the parking lot and song after song, for about 10 songs just flowed flawlessly and perfectly… even if i changed stations, the lyrics matched up perfectly, and I just felt God speaking to me. the whole while it’s still downpouring.
I seriously felt God hug me on my drive home. I just felt this inexplicable feeling of… comfort. I haven’t felt that feeling in a very long time. The feeling of reassurance.. “Annette. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. You’re mine, and I’ve got you. You’re safe.” You know how great it feels when you’re crying on someone’s shoulder and they just hug you and don’t let go? that was what I felt in my car driving home.
and I was the only one in my car…
I really have to wonder honestly, how people can seriously believe that there is not a God…. I just don’t understand how people don’t believe it…
But anyway, that was my day… So the reason I was feeling so…. ehh about life and why I was crying so much, was because I realized that I look to and depend on guys WAY too much. It’s not the matter of people that I rely on. It’s guys. More specifically guys that I’ve dated. Example… Caleb. If you go back and read one of my posts from November, you can see me going through the same dilemma…. Me focusing on guys, making them idols… and my focus is off. Well, with caleb, he just treated me really poorly… and still does, actually. and he just wants to blame everything on me, and deny responsibility for things… And then Alex enters the picture and I’m not all caught up on caleb, because I have someone to distract me… but really that’s not healthy either… because my focus didn’t change. It was still on a guy. Then when he decided that he could find better, or whatever his stupid reason was, I was left with no guy to distract my mind, and it just all went downhill from there. Then through a series of ehhh events, he still decides to keep me around. I assume as his back up. Since I obviously wasn’t good enough to keep in the first place. And caleb still isn’t talking to me, because he’s all mature and everything.. and I work 60 hours a week, and I just need SOMEONE. but no one has time for me anymore, and I can’t pour out my heart to anyone, because no one has time for that kind of crap. Sure, people hang out with me… but it’s only on the surface.. Only one or two people actually care about what’s going on with me below the surface more than a “hi, how’s your day?”.
and not really caring about the answer, then quickly jumping into how their life is more important than my issues.
Sometimes I get sick of listening to people’s crap! I just want someone to listen to my life and sincerely care about it…. But I guess that’s too much to ask for.
If you’re one of the few that actually listens to me, I really do appreciate it. The main ones that are sticking out to me at this exact moment are: Colleen, Mandy, Ray, Justin, Barrett, and Hannah. So if you’re reading this, know that I appreciate you.
So I’m getting tired now, because I work more than 10 hours tomorrow… and I need sleep, and I kind of lost my train of thought, and I think I’ve typed plenty tonight.
July 21, 2011 at 11:32 pm |
aww, Annette, I appreciate you too. I’m glad that I have found a good friend to keep thanks to you know who. You’ve been there alot for me and I’ll always be there to listen to you whenever you need to vent or whatever. I may be far away, but we’ve got the internet and texting. And it sounds like God was definitely trying to speak to you today. I love it when that happens. He’s been speaking to me like that a lot lately. I also couldn’t have gotten through the past few months without him. Even if you don’t have one of us to turn to, you can always turn to Him anytime. Sometimes He’s all you have. I don’t believe how people can’t believe that either. All it takes is that song to be reminded.
July 22, 2011 at 2:08 pm |
It is amazing when God speaks to you. Yes, that it is.
and thanks, it is nice to know that you appreciate me. Anytime you need to talk Annette, anytime, really, just let me know. I will do the best that I can to help.