Worship.

As I was trying to come up with a topic for my post… plenty of things kept going through my mind of what to write about… Friendships going sour, relationships changing, stress levels increasing, approval seeking, priorities, lack of motivation to study… and I realized all I really wanted to write about was worship.

These past few weeks, I have struggled with friendship lately… One of my friends (mentioned back in November on this very blog!) is no longer my friend. Due to some very immature actions and mindsets, I have lost a friend. The song that’s been going through my head is “How to Save a Life” by The Fray. The chorus says, “Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness.” He just decided that I had hurt him and upset him in some way, when I asked what I had done to him, he refused to tell me. Honestly, I don’t want to be associated with anyone like that anymore.. I put up with it for 6 years, and I’m washing my hands of him. I have lost my respect for him on so many levels. Then I was procrastinating on Facebook (all epiphanies begin with that, by the way…) and one of my friends had posted “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28! May seem like a hot mess now BUT we have a sovereign God!” and it made me realize that things happen for a reason. There is a plan–a purpose– in everything that happens in our lives. Which makes me look to God in my time of weakness, in my time of sorrow. Because I know that God’s got my back. He’s got a plan. He knows what he’s doing. And he’s working things for good– for HIS purposes.

There’s a song that I typically tend to have on repeat when I’m stressed out, or worried, or upset with life… It always manages to get my focus back where it needs to be.
“Only You” by David Crowder Band. “I will worship You, Lord. Only You, Lord. I will bow down before You, Only You, Lord. Take my fret, take my fear… all I have I’m leaving here. Be all my hopes, be all my dreams… Be my delight, be my everything.”
It’s interesting how quickly our priorities can get off… how quickly we can lose sight of the bigger picture… how quickly we become self-centered, and selfish. I used to have strong, unwavering convictions about certain things… and I still have these convictions… but recently, I have realized how quickly I chose to go with my self-centered desires rather than my convictions from the years of my upbringing…. It’s interesting how quickly I have been able to turn on my values and mindset just because it feels good… or for whatever other reason it was that I didn’t stick to them.. I’m not as strong as I thought I was. and in this, I thank God. Because I’m not perfect. I fail and I falter every day. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t struggle and fail. But God’s always there to pick me up. To hold the flashlight and show me which way to walk when I’m lost in the dark.
I realized how much I depend on guys… I managed to not rely on guys after I broke up with my first boyfriend… I got by for about two years without needing a guy. I depended fully on God… until a guy came along that was interested. He ripped me to pieces and left me on the side of the road. I got to the point where I had accepted it, and realized that i was idolizing him… so i turned to God..stopped depending on guys to fill the hole in my life… then another guy came along… I’m thankful for all of this, because I have learned so much about my life… but it still hurts. In the process of me depending on guys, and not on God.. .I’m depending on an imperfect person, and i’m expecting them to fill the hole in my life that only perfection can fill… so of course I’m going to be disappointed. of course I’m going to be hurt, damaged, bruised, and wounded…. I filled the hole using the wrong source..
“I’m coming back to the heart of worship. and it’s all about you. It’s all about you, Jesus.”
it takes a while to stop putting muddy, imperfect water in the hole, when what it really needs is fresh, and perfect water. cleansing water. refreshing water. running water. Both choices fill the hole… but one is better, more beneficial.

The world says, “go for it! don’t live wondering what would have happened! Do what you want to do!” but God says, “wait for me. My plan is perfect. I will mold you and shape you into who you need to be. Wait on me and my timing.”
it becomes increasingly difficult to remember which side is right after a while.
God is timeless. he sees all. He sees yesterday as if it were today. He sees tomorrow as if it’s today.. he sees all at once. he is all knowing, and he has a plan. He knows we will fail. He knows precisely when we fail. He knows when we will hit rock bottom. So even failing is in his plan. even when we look the other way and ignore Him… he knows, and he’s planned for it. He knows when we will screw up, and he is always there when we do.
He’s there even after we reject him for what we think is best for us. His arms are there to comfort us when we are so weak we cannot stand. His arms are there to hold us when all we want to do is cry. His arms are there to protect us.
and for that, I worship him. he deserves my uninterrupted worship and praise.

and…. I could go on and on about this stuff for hours.. but it’s 3 am… and i should probably head to bed! …. not even sure if this makes any sense… because i’m half asleep typing it!

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