Love, and Dating.

I’m working on a puzzle. It’s a PhotoMosaic… Which is a picture made up of pictures. While I was working on it, I was on iTunes and a series called “Love, Dating, Marriage, and Sex” by Greg Pinkner that I first heard about 4 years ago. I typically listen to it every time I get into a relationship… and periodically throughout the relationship. I’ve listened to it about 10 times so far.
So the following will be some snippets of what he talks about.

The reason God does everything He does is so that His glory will be made known.

Colossians 1:16 ” For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.”

Some of the most powerful outpourings of God’s wrath come because of Romantic, sexual love. Something about it is so powerful, and so tied in to God’s expression of His glory, that He does not mess around with this stuff. He places some of the most stringent rules on it.

When you get married some day, one day the person you married or you is going to die. In heaven, you’re not married anymore… you’re not re-hooked up after death. Why? Because it’s over. You don’t need that anymore. Because you know in full what love, and marriage, and romance was supposed to teach you about God.

Until you can place romantic love in its proper context, that the only reason it exists is to make you closer to God, it can never be what it was intended to be. As soon as you place romantic, physical, sexual love at the forefront of your goals, then you are going to continually be disappointed.

Anything that exalts itself above the knowledge of Christ is sin. Romantic love is no different. Until you can place knowing God more above everything else, romantic love can be a very good part of your life, but it will not meet the deep longing you need. as soon as knowing Christ becomes Christ, then romantic love is placed in the exact context it was intended to be. it becomes a tool for knowing Christ more.

If you are truly seeking after God first, then your love will grow for them exponentially. You will be the best wife or husband you can be for them. If you turn your focus from God to them, they will disappoint you, and you will disappoint them.

If who you love becomes so singular to you that you cut out everybody else in your life, then who you love becomes your idol… and you’ve come off track and it can destroy you.

***The only way to be happy is to abandon yourself to the glory of God.***

I think this is why my past relationship failed…We were more focused on feeling good, feeling wanted, feeling needed… Rather than focused on God. Rather than learning more about Christ and who He is. We were focused on the worldy view of dating than on the Christian view. We were using each other to feel like someone cared. We determined that we were both rebounding… which means our whole relationship was based on wanting to keep that high of feeling wanted. The high of being in love. The high of feeling good. Eventually the drug is going to wear off and reality is going to set in… which happened and both of us got hurt. And that’s an understatement.
So then I got into another relationship, and we began the relationship with talking about Christ and the purpose of dating… which is to find someone you want to marry. We are trying to keep Christ at the center of the relationship… It’s very difficult, mind you, and we don’t always succeed.. yet it’s a work in progress.

So now I’m listening to the “Dating” part of this series… and I’ll share some snippets.

*Dating is a social construction* – While it’s not a sin to date, dating can be a sin. It all depends on how you approach it, and why you approach it.

8 Dating Rules/Guidelines/Principles:
1) Only Take Dating As Seriously As You Take Marriage. — No matter who you date, no matter how many people you date… Will end in one of two ways. Marriage, or break up. About 99% of your relationships will abysmally fail. One dating relationship is going to work out. You should go into every single dating relationship skeptical. That saves a whole lot of anger, disappointment, hatred, bad text messages, and emails… It’s either going to end in “I love you, marry me”, or “Demon spawn.. the power of Christ compels you!”. Is the person you are dating worth a) spending the rest of your life with, or b) a broken heart? <– that's why you're dating them: to figure that out. A broken heart is a terrible thing, and a marriage you all of a sudden want out of is a terrible thing.
2) Only Date People You Can Marry! — If you begin to hang around someone and become attracted to someone that you shouldn’t be… There is a spiritual power in you that wants another. It was placed there by God to teach you about your need for Him. Your soul will begin to find that other person to stick in that spot, once you stick someone in that spot, it is very difficult to pull them out. Also, only date people that share the same morals and values as you. Because if they value different things, and have different morals, they cannot value what you value.
3) Don’t Date to Date. — “just having fun” has lead to more heartache than anything I can think of. Proverbs 4:23… “Above all else, Guard. Your. Heart. for from it flows the Spring of Life.” keyword being “GUARD“
4) Don’t Date Your Friends. — If you are acting like you’re dating and you are “just friends”, one of you is in love with the other one…. and you’re saying “no, we’re just friends”… then it’s not you. If you are all but dating, either date or quit stringing that person along. You probably have someone in the back of your mind saying “Whenever it doesn’t work out, I’ve always got so-and-so…” <– this is bad. There is nothing worse in the world than unrequited love…
5) Only Date Those Seeking Christ. — There’s a difference between someone who “goes to church” and someone who’s seeking Christ. Eliminate your idea of perfection, there are no perfect people. To date a Christ seeker, you need to be a Christ seeker.
6) Know Your Weaknesses. — If you know you are a person who struggles with loneliness, then know that and prepare yourself against it (surround yourself with friends and people who can help you). If you know your weaknesses, plan for them. If you’re a guy that is really competitive and you are just concerned about the chase. Know that. Plan against it.
7) Watch Out For American Idols. — Have realistic expectations of people. Guys, there is no girl on the planet who can be as perfect as your imagination. You can build the perfect girl, but she’s not out there. Girls, there is no guy out there who can read your mind and can be intuitive and emotional. They don’t make those. You need to get into your minds and get rid of strictly fictional romance. You need to see people for who they really are.
8 ) It’s Called A Relationship, Because You Have to Relate to Other People. — If you don’t have the relational ability to ask someone out, or to break up with someone… Then you don’t have the relational ability to be in a relationship. If you can’t have a conversation that’s, “I don’t want to be with you”, then you can’t have the conversation to say, “you’re really struggling with some things and I need to point out to you what they are, and we need to work on them”. And if that’s not your goal in a relationship, to have someone that strengthens you, that sharpens you, that helps you, that calls you out.. then you don’t need to be in one.

Everybody wants to be loved

Okay… this is always how it seems to go… I am completely exhausted and tired, long day ahead of me… and this thought pops in my head. … Well, it’s been a while since I actually posted anything on here… so figured it was time for an update.

So there’s this song on the movie, “What A Girl Wants” , and the song is by Oliver James “Long time coming”.
the lyrics start out:

Everybody wants to be loved
every once in a while.
we all need someone to hold on to,
just like a helpless child.
can you whisper in my ear?
let me know it’s alright?
It’s been a long time coming down this road,
and now I know what I’ve been searchin’ for.
Been a long, long, highway and now I see…

For some reason that really just stuck in my head so much to the effect that I cannot fall asleep until i write this!!

Because it’s true. Everybody does want to be loved… if someone doesn’t feel loved they are going to get depressed… and we do need someone there to hold us sometimes. All you really need is someone to be there for you, and all too often I take that for granted.

Well, the above was typed up last night, and i fell asleep after i typed the last word, so i never got to finish my thought… Not sure how much more together this part will sound, because i’m also completely exhausted tonight too… but another song is stuck in my head tonight. “10,000 miles” from the movie Fly Away Home…. The song plays at the beginning of the movie when this girl and her mother are driving in the rain, and a car hits them and the mother dies and the daughter is in the hospital and she goes to live with her dad from then on and is all depressed because its a new place (her parents were divorced, and her dad is about to get remarried)… anyway so the lyrics start out:

Fare thee well, my own true love.
Farewell for a while,
I’m going away….
But I’ll be back,
Though I’ll go 10,000 miles…

10,000 miles
My own true love
10,000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return

Oh don’t you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She’s weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You’ve been a friend to me

For some reason this song is stuck in my head today… probably because I had a long discussion with someone about relationships… and this relates to the previous song, about needing to be loved…
Sometimes all you need is someone to be there for you. It doesn’t have to be in a romantic setting, or in a “dating” relationship… sometimes you just need to feel like someone cares.
It doens’t matter what happened in the past, what matters is what’s going to happen in the future…. Pulling out a lion king quote, “it doesn’t matter, it is in de past!”
Which, I only partially agree with that… and…. i just got distracted from typing by facebook… and forgot where i was going with that.
Sure, the past is important… it shapes who you are. it defines your motivations and values and dreams… but when things go wrong, it doesn’t benefit anyone to dwell on it. Accept it. Learn from it. Move on.

We all need companionship. We aren’t meant to be alone. So take a break. stop thinking so much. Go give someone a random hug, because you never know what they’re going through… And sometimes all it takes is one person to change your outlook on life…..
Just stop being so wrapped up in your own problems that you can’t be there for people who need you.

that is all
P.S. that was not aimed at any specific person, just in general.
I’m going to bed now.

By Your Side

So… I really shouldn’t be up right now.. because I have to get up for work in about 4 hours… soo i need the sleep… but this is just on my mind, and I wanna blog about it!
On a completely unrelated note… I got some food out of the fridge, ate half of it… and then went to sleep… never put it back in the fridge… when I woke up, it was in the fridge… my parents hadn’t touched it. Creepy? yes. I sleep walk, we decided.

Anyway… today was a very long day for me…
I was going to wake up at 8 am to study some more for a Calculus exam I had today… and I woke up at 9:50. and I have class at 10:20, and it takes about 15-20 minutes to get there. No study time. So my day started out rushed, and people were on my nerves, red lights were annoying… the usual. My radio is on, and a song by Tenth Avenue North comes on, “By Your Side”… I started crying before my math exam, while i was driving to class “Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? let me lift up your face… Just don’t turn away. Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough? To where will you go child? Tell me where will you run? To where will you run? Cause I’ll be by your side wherever you fall in the dead of night, whenever you call”….
Honestly, these lyrics made me cry this morning… because I have been just pushed to my limit…. Stretched as far as I will go… and I just can’t do it anymore… It’s a pattern that I’ve noticed… I go to guys. To get my happiness, and my joy in life… I find it in guys. (Dumb idea, in case you were wondering). I put all my hope and dreams and thoughts into guys, that just treat me like crap. When, really… I just need to remember that my joy comes from the Lord. God is never changing. He’s the same yesterday as today as tomorrow. He’s not going anywhere. He won’t treat me like crap. He never leaves me.
So anyway, driving to class, that song came on and the lyrics “why are you crying? Let me lift up your face” came on right as I started to cry…which, of course made me cry even harder. (By the way, It’s not very safe to cry and drive at the same time… you can’t see the road. just a note for the future).
So at this point it’s like 10:10, and there’s no open parking spots… just as I was getting frustrated at having to park 8 miles away someone pulls out of the absolutely closest spot I could possibly get to… and no one else was waiting, so i just pull in and head to class. (God thing. definitely)
So anyway, I walk into my classroom and some girl is sitting in my seat. I’ve had that seat since Day 1. and then all of a sudden, this girl takes my seat. How rude, right!??! Turns out to be a good thing. I sat in the back of the room, and was able to review for the test with the girl in front of me… which I wouldn’t have done if I had been in my normal seat. So I’m taking my test… I go through and do all of the ones I absolutely know how to do. 35% of the test. (at this point I’m thinking I’m screwed). So I flip through the pages about 8 times hoping something will come to me, and then i take a stab at a question, and work it a couple of times, then all of a sudden out of nowhere, I remember how to do the problem. Same thing happened for the rest of the 65% of the test. the processes just popped into my head. Sooo… I either made a 35% on the test… or like, a 90. So anyway, I hand in the test… (one of the first ones finished, too..) and walk outside.
Grey skies. Cloudy, stormy, yucky. A few rain drops, here and there… as soon as I get in my car, it starts to rain. My radio comes on: “What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears. What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re here. What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.”
Are you being serious, God? okay. Do you ever have those days where you know that God is being very obvious about speaking to you…. that was today.
so those lyrics came on right as it started downpouring… these are the lyrics:
“We pray for blessings. We pray for peace. Comfort for family. Protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.. And all the while you hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things. Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.
We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear. We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love. As if every promise from your word is not enough. And all the while you hear each desperate plea, and long that we’d had the faith to believe….. When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win. we know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home. it’s not our home. What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy? And what if trials of this life… the rain, the storms, the hardest nights are your mercies in disguise.”

So that one ended, and I’m still crying… then the song “How Great is Our God” comes on by Chris Tomlin. Just call me a blubbering basket case at this point. “How great is our God, sing with me… How great is our God! And all will see how Great! How great is our God!.,.. Age to age he stands, and time is in his hands. Beginning and the end. Beginning and the end.”
so then I decide, “okay… the music is done speaking to me. God’s got it under control. “…So I pull out of the parking lot and song after song, for about 10 songs just flowed flawlessly and perfectly… even if i changed stations, the lyrics matched up perfectly, and I just felt God speaking to me. the whole while it’s still downpouring.
I seriously felt God hug me on my drive home. I just felt this inexplicable feeling of… comfort. I haven’t felt that feeling in a very long time. The feeling of reassurance.. “Annette. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. You’re mine, and I’ve got you. You’re safe.” You know how great it feels when you’re crying on someone’s shoulder and they just hug you and don’t let go? that was what I felt in my car driving home.
and I was the only one in my car…
I really have to wonder honestly, how people can seriously believe that there is not a God…. I just don’t understand how people don’t believe it…

But anyway, that was my day… So the reason I was feeling so…. ehh about life and why I was crying so much, was because I realized that I look to and depend on guys WAY too much. It’s not the matter of people that I rely on. It’s guys. More specifically guys that I’ve dated. Example… Caleb. If you go back and read one of my posts from November, you can see me going through the same dilemma…. Me focusing on guys, making them idols… and my focus is off. Well, with caleb, he just treated me really poorly… and still does, actually. and he just wants to blame everything on me, and deny responsibility for things… And then Alex enters the picture and I’m not all caught up on caleb, because I have someone to distract me… but really that’s not healthy either… because my focus didn’t change. It was still on a guy. Then when he decided that he could find better, or whatever his stupid reason was, I was left with no guy to distract my mind, and it just all went downhill from there. Then through a series of ehhh events, he still decides to keep me around. I assume as his back up. Since I obviously wasn’t good enough to keep in the first place. And caleb still isn’t talking to me, because he’s all mature and everything.. and I work 60 hours a week, and I just need SOMEONE. but no one has time for me anymore, and I can’t pour out my heart to anyone, because no one has time for that kind of crap. Sure, people hang out with me… but it’s only on the surface.. Only one or two people actually care about what’s going on with me below the surface more than a “hi, how’s your day?”.
and not really caring about the answer, then quickly jumping into how their life is more important than my issues.
Sometimes I get sick of listening to people’s crap! I just want someone to listen to my life and sincerely care about it…. But I guess that’s too much to ask for.

If you’re one of the few that actually listens to me, I really do appreciate it. The main ones that are sticking out to me at this exact moment are: Colleen, Mandy, Ray, Justin, Barrett, and Hannah. So if you’re reading this, know that I appreciate you.

So I’m getting tired now, because I work more than 10 hours tomorrow… and I need sleep, and I kind of lost my train of thought, and I think I’ve typed plenty tonight.

bad habits

Life is really confusing sometimes.
At the moment, I’m watching harry potter on ABC Family… because I have nothing better to do. and I work in 6 hours.
I’ve been in a rather irritated mood for the past few years…. so much in fact, that the nails I had been trying so hard to not bite… have been bitten, which is really upsetting… because it took 2 months to get them where i did… then i just bit them off.
stress does that to me. I haven’t been stressed much this summer, until now.
And it’s not stress of work, or class, or anything like that… it’s people stress. Drama that I allow to get into my life.
What I need to do, is surround myself with a whole different group of people to eliminate the drama out of my life…. old habits die hard (enter: nail biting example)… Something that’s been such a major part of my life for an extended amount of time… is difficult to just stop. sometimes a sharp knife is needed to just cut the bad habits out.

anyway… my best friend just called me to tell her about how she got engaged!!!! sooo i lost my train of thought, ill finish this later.

Being Alone

So I posted a status on my facebook last night, “I just FINALLY realized…. People really don’t want to be alone. It scares them so badly, they’re willing to do nearly anything to keep from being alone.” I don’t remember why this was on my mind, or what made me post it as a status… but about 5 minutes after I posted it, my friend messaged me, and we started talking about her ex… who also happened to be my ex as well. We were discussing his actions in both our relationships. It’s very interesting, and I went back and read some emails I sent to him- and in his attempt to get me back he promised things… I’ll post little snippets:

this one just made me smile. I admire that he said I was different than everyone else. nice to know he can’t yell at me! ^_^

now look, ull probably think im crazy, after what we just went through, but just hear me out. even after all of THAT, i still want to be with u…. after all that uve done, and me too, im involved just as much as u r, i should yell at u. but for some reason, i try but i cant. i dont know why. there something about u. ur different than everyone else. there were times that i wanted to but i just couldnt.

And this quote… here is what he promised me. When he was asking for another chance with me…. I’ll expand more on this one in a second…

plus ive been going to church alot more often. on top of that, ive been looking foward to going to church. i also wanted to get involved so i joined the orchestra hoping that i worship better since im a horrible singer. now ur probably thinking that im doing it for u and i dont mean to do all this. guess again. i did this on my own accord. im not doing this for u anymore. im doing this for me. i want to learn more about god my own way. however i do hope that this impresses u alittle more that im wanting to seek a better relationship with god my own way. i did this for me.

And I just find this funny… Like really? you thought that telling me “i’m all you have left” is going to get me to come back? lol. Guys, take a hint. Don’t tell a girl that you want to be with them because they are “all you have left” and that you “cant get another date”… ha. But also in this snippet, he brings up the sex before marriage thing, and then promises to be a different person.

going back to dating other people, u told me to try other people. i did, and it didnt go great. im sorry, but ur all i have left. i cant get another date. i tried. i keep wanting to come back. and also Pell has taught me to think more like an adult, meaning im making appropriate choices like not wanting to have sex b4 marriage. i did b4 but now i just dont. i only ask for one more chance. please. ill be a different person but at the same time ill be myself, if that makes any sense whatsoever. im not gona lie. were still gona have arguments. but it wont stop us from loving eachother. these have been some huge fights, but in the end we still want to talk to eachother. please accept. ur all ive got left. ive also changed alot. not for u but for me. i promose to treat u better. i promose the absolute best for u. let me know what u think. again, im sorry for all that i have done to u.

Now… my first comment on this is… Why is there such an issue with being single? It’s really not that bad. This guy has a really bad habit of jumping from relationship to relationship… I don’t remember the last time he was actually single. Other than when I broke up with him.. he was single for about a week or two. (I’m apparently so hard to get over) But anyways, I watched him jump from girl to girl, breaking up with them when he found someone better

But anyway, jumping back to my facebook status… What this guy does, I think… is dates a girl for a while thinking they’re the most awesome person ever, but still keeps his eye open for other girls that might be better… or a change… or something, i’m not too sure… then when he finds another one, he just says “well. see ya. it’s been fun.”. His most recent ex… he was engaged to. broke up with her using the excuse of “you live too far away”. a week later, he starts seeing another girl. Let me repeat something here. he dumped his fiancée for a really stupid reason, then almost immediately after, got a new girl. I don’t understand that. anyone able to explain that one to me?

But anyway, i dont want to bash this boy. I wanna talk about people being scared to be alone!
So we’ll discuss another boy…. Who’s earned a lot of time on my blog actually. He makes me really mad, but he’s not in my life anymore.. he just fits into my story. This is posted on his facebook:

I do not see myself ever being in a relationship, but I also do not see myself being alone. I tried once to take a friendship one step further, and broke my heart like nothing else can.

Yes, if you were wondering the person he “took a friendship one step further with” was me, myself, and I. If you can call it taking a friendship further. haha.If you wanna know the story, you can ask me, but it’s too long to share; but anyway… How can you not be in a relationship, yet also not be alone? he doesn’t want to live with his family, or have pets… What girl is going to stay there and just hang out… waste her life? not me. Because it wasn’t going to be me, he got mad at me because he wanted it to be me and went into angry at/ignore me mode because he was hurt. According to his mom, he still wants me around, but he’s too prideful to tell me he was also at fault. Now he’s alone, and he’s going to stay that way because no one else will put up with him. I’m getting off topic though.

people don’t like to be alone! There’s just something about it… It scares people to the center of their core. They may not realize that it scares them, but it does, truly.
For example, I have a difficult time walking away from a relationship because staying with someone that’s told me they aren’t ready to be so serious yet (or whatever the reason was) is better than moving on, being alone, and finding someone else. At least subconsciously that seems to be what’s going on.
That would happen to be my most recent relationship. Can’t quite seem to move on. My friend that I was talking to earlier about my other ex.. said he’s different for me. Something about him, that I can’t figure out, just doesn’t add up. I can’t decide if I’m not moving on because I am afraid to be alone, or because I really think it can work out…

And THEN in addition to all of this stuff I’m realizing.. I was talking to someone else that got married… and she told me that she knows her husband wasn’t “the one”. She just married him because she was getting older and didn’t want to end up alone…
Which makes me bring up my next point… All relationships are going to have issues, marriages take work, and people aren’t perfect… so is there really a “one” for us? because even with “the one” we’re still going to have problems, it’s going to take work. Now, i’m not saying pick up the next human that’s breathing off the street and get married… but is it really that necessary to keep searching for “the perfect” person… knowing that no one is perfect?
Just my thoughts. haa.

I firmly believe that God has chosen someone for us to be with, if it is his will that we are supposed to be with someone. But how do we know that the person he’s chosen for us isn’t “the one”, even if we feel like they’re not “the one”. Who determines who “the one” is anyway?… if that even made any sense. Maybe God’s plan isn’t to let us find “the one”. Maybe we’re just a pawn in his very large game of chess… Maybe we were supposed to be with someone that wasn’t completely right for us to teach us. shape us. mold us. Maybe our job was to have kids and give them the mindset that will help them be with their perfect person… Why are we always so selfish about relationships? I’ll never understand. Well, other than we are just selfish people and we do selfish things. Get two selfish people together and what results is selfishness; it’s just what happens.
anyway, im gonna get goin… startin to storm really bad, power will prolly go out.

hmmm

So today, a guard asked me what I do when I get off work… I had to think about it…. which is pretty sad. I came to the realization that after work, all I do is come home, raid the fridge, and sit on facebook for the rest of the night until I fall asleep… and occasionally I’ll turn the TV on and see what’s on.

What kind of life is that? kind of a waste, actually… since while I’m sitting on facebook I’m staring at my phone hoping someone will text me… Which… since all my friends have lives, they don’t text me when I’m off work… they do their own thing, and I pester them and get angry with them because I’m bored and no one’s talking to me.
So, solution? Find new friends.
Tomorrow I’m going to my friends house… and I’ll be spending the night
Hopefully it should keep me occupied… I’ll be going and hanging out with people a lot more often… I’m going to the lake on Saturday… by myself, just because I need to occupy my mind..
anyway… that’s my thoughts.

Epiphany

This may not make any sense, because I am extremely tired right now and have to be awake in 4 hours, but I have to get this off my mind before I got to sleep and let it disappear into my subconscious! No one reads this anyway, so it’s cool if it doesn’t make sense.

LOVE
One of those things in life that everyone encounters. Even the worse people in the world know what love is. it’s the feeling of the wind in your hair. The time you take to stop and smell the flowers. the feeling of looking your loved one in the eye and knowing that everything is okay once again. The feeling of loving and being loved in return seems to be a vital feeling for our generation (and by that, really… i mean any generation). we all want it. we all crave it. we all desire it. It’s nature; it’s instinct.

But what do you do when the one you love betrays you, or you betray them, or you tell them you just dont feel the same way about them. then what? is the crushing feeling also nature. is that also instinct? Because it’s going to happen. That feeling of failure, loss, rejection. It happens to everyone. No one gets a “get out of pain free card” it’s just not going to happen. So how do we deal with it?
We take the cards we were dealt and play the best game of (insert card name here… I was personally considering putting solitaire in there because I love that game…but its probably not the best for the analogy ) that we possibly can. Life doesn’t have redos. It doesn’t have do overs. We take what we can get, and work with what we have.
Everything happens for a reason.
People come into our lives for a reason, and people also leave our lives for a reason. Some people are meant to stay a while and take their shoes off… and other people, are just meant to come drop off a present, or the mail… and be on their way. Everyone’s time limit is different… everyone has different things they need to share with different people… and that limits how much time they can spend with you. teaching you. helping you learn more about yourself. helping you grow.
Eventually people need to move on. they need to help other people grow. help other people change, and in some cases… cause other people misery and heartbreak. because only then, in the misery and heartbreak do we find our true colors.
For instance… my true color is blue but, i already knew that… i’m just tired and wanted to type that.
but, for real. if I hadn’t gone through what I had gone through, I wouldn’t have had the same out look on life. so i’m thankful and grateful for the things that i’ve gone through because they’ve made me who I am today… and I could have ended up someone else… because of different experiences shaping my life. every decision has a consequence and it impacts you for the rest of your life, whether you realize it or not. it snowballs, and there’s nothing you can do about it. err… maybe it’s like the domino effect? i like that one better.

just flick the domino. take the first step. no one said it was going to be easy, they just said it was going to be worth it… and sometimes? life isn’t worth it. and you just want to quit and give up and start over. but you know what? you already pushed the domino. you can’t look back. just finish what you started, then you will have a new masterpiece (the image coming to mind is the scene in V for Vendetta when he flicks the dominoes, and at the end, it was a “V” with a circle around it. that’s one of my favorite scenes. When the dominoes are done falling, he takes that one remaining domino that didn’t fall and walks off.
We still have pieces of our past from our decisions that we’ve made, and we help it shape us and mold us.. but there’s no going back.
the hourglass has already flipped, and it’s stuck deep in a thing of cement.
So we put one foot in front of the other. Learn from our mistakes. Ask for forgiveness, and move on.

Sometimes people aren’t willing to forgive you for your mistakes, and you know what? that’s fine. You learned from what you did, and that’s all that matters. they need to learn in their own time about forgiveness, and they need to accept and move on in their own time, and it’s not always going to be your timing. when you ask for forgiveness. because sometimes the cuts go deeper than that. There are people around every day that you have no idea what they’ve gone through… they have been sliced open, broken, ripped apart… yet they still manage to live with a smile on their face..
that’s really all we need.
A smile. Encouragement. Happiness.

We don’t get more time on the earth, and we need to make it as productive and efficient as possible. There’s no point in moping around being miserable about the past. What is important though, is learning from the past to not make the same mistakes again. The more mistakes we make, the more we learn. The more we learn, the more we know. the more we know, the more we grow, the more we grow… well… we grow. it’s like a plant… a plant has 2 options… it can either absorb the sunlight and water and nutrients that it needs to survive and grow… do its purpose and die… or it can reject them and die. While either way the plant is going to die, but one option produces a far more productive option. plants don’t really have a choice though. they dont’ say “I’m sick of being next to this stupid (insert weed here) so I’m just going to not do my job today. grr im angry at (weed)”. They just do what they were meant to do: grow.

The purpose of being alive is to grow. Dead things don’t grow… they decay. Alive: grow. Dead: decay. get it? I didn’t say Alive: either grow or decay. I said… Alive: grow. End of story. it’s not an option. life sucks sometimes… but don’t forget about the good times. the times when the sun is beating down on your leaves and you just want to absorb as much of it’s energy as you possibly can so you can be the best plant you can possibly be. those are what we live for. Just as a side-effect, bad times comes… but once you are out of those bad times, you get to enjoy good times again… and then inevitably there will be more bad times, because what goes up, must come down… but once you’re down, the only place left to go is up. it’s a roller coaster ride.
so buckle in. Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, and enjoy the ride.
“I put my hands up in the air sometimes, sayin’ aye, oh. gotta let go!”

im going to bed now. ill have to continue this some other time… but oh, this was my giant epiphany… i have no clue what i even wrote.

Acceptance and Moving On

Well, in my excellent stalking abilities, I was able to find out… that someone that used to be my best friend… has decided that his life would have been a lot better if he’d never met me. Knowing that he thinks that feels like someone took a knife and stabbed my chest. I’m so hurt and upset. Because I know that he isn’t going to ever try to be my friend again. I’ve never lost a friend before. This is the first time one of my “best friends” has basically disowned me. It shouldn’t bother me, because the way he treats me leaves a lot to be desired…. but it still hurts… knowing that I wasn’t worth it…. and that hurts.

Yet, it just proves that I shouldn’t be his friend anyways. He’s too immature to handle the friendship, and I’m sick of putting up with his crap…. but am I? Am I really? I keep complaining about him, I keep thinking about what went wrong… i keep wondering what would have changed his mind. But I didn’t do anything wrong, even though he seems to think I did something wrong; yet he refuses to tell me what it was that I did to him… again, I say: immature.

Alas, no more venting. Today I drove to M-boro to help my brother move out of the house and into his apartment (because I also just bought a new vehicle and was able to help him, because he couldn’t carry all of his stuff in his van)… Then made a side trip to visit MJ, luckily didnt have to run into the previously mentioned person, and then I made my way home. Long day!

So anyway, I have a habit now of watching the news before I go to bed I’ve been watching me some Anderson Cooper 360! He’s adorable, just sayin’ . Figured I should probably keep up with what’s going on in the world, since I have so much time on my hands!

Anyway, I’m still unpacking from when I moved out of my dorm! … My room is a disaster zone!
But for now, I’m going to bed! I’m exhausted! I’ll have to post a more updated post about other stuff next time!

Worship.

As I was trying to come up with a topic for my post… plenty of things kept going through my mind of what to write about… Friendships going sour, relationships changing, stress levels increasing, approval seeking, priorities, lack of motivation to study… and I realized all I really wanted to write about was worship.

These past few weeks, I have struggled with friendship lately… One of my friends (mentioned back in November on this very blog!) is no longer my friend. Due to some very immature actions and mindsets, I have lost a friend. The song that’s been going through my head is “How to Save a Life” by The Fray. The chorus says, “Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness.” He just decided that I had hurt him and upset him in some way, when I asked what I had done to him, he refused to tell me. Honestly, I don’t want to be associated with anyone like that anymore.. I put up with it for 6 years, and I’m washing my hands of him. I have lost my respect for him on so many levels. Then I was procrastinating on Facebook (all epiphanies begin with that, by the way…) and one of my friends had posted “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28! May seem like a hot mess now BUT we have a sovereign God!” and it made me realize that things happen for a reason. There is a plan–a purpose– in everything that happens in our lives. Which makes me look to God in my time of weakness, in my time of sorrow. Because I know that God’s got my back. He’s got a plan. He knows what he’s doing. And he’s working things for good– for HIS purposes.

There’s a song that I typically tend to have on repeat when I’m stressed out, or worried, or upset with life… It always manages to get my focus back where it needs to be.
“Only You” by David Crowder Band. “I will worship You, Lord. Only You, Lord. I will bow down before You, Only You, Lord. Take my fret, take my fear… all I have I’m leaving here. Be all my hopes, be all my dreams… Be my delight, be my everything.”
It’s interesting how quickly our priorities can get off… how quickly we can lose sight of the bigger picture… how quickly we become self-centered, and selfish. I used to have strong, unwavering convictions about certain things… and I still have these convictions… but recently, I have realized how quickly I chose to go with my self-centered desires rather than my convictions from the years of my upbringing…. It’s interesting how quickly I have been able to turn on my values and mindset just because it feels good… or for whatever other reason it was that I didn’t stick to them.. I’m not as strong as I thought I was. and in this, I thank God. Because I’m not perfect. I fail and I falter every day. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t struggle and fail. But God’s always there to pick me up. To hold the flashlight and show me which way to walk when I’m lost in the dark.
I realized how much I depend on guys… I managed to not rely on guys after I broke up with my first boyfriend… I got by for about two years without needing a guy. I depended fully on God… until a guy came along that was interested. He ripped me to pieces and left me on the side of the road. I got to the point where I had accepted it, and realized that i was idolizing him… so i turned to God..stopped depending on guys to fill the hole in my life… then another guy came along… I’m thankful for all of this, because I have learned so much about my life… but it still hurts. In the process of me depending on guys, and not on God.. .I’m depending on an imperfect person, and i’m expecting them to fill the hole in my life that only perfection can fill… so of course I’m going to be disappointed. of course I’m going to be hurt, damaged, bruised, and wounded…. I filled the hole using the wrong source..
“I’m coming back to the heart of worship. and it’s all about you. It’s all about you, Jesus.”
it takes a while to stop putting muddy, imperfect water in the hole, when what it really needs is fresh, and perfect water. cleansing water. refreshing water. running water. Both choices fill the hole… but one is better, more beneficial.

The world says, “go for it! don’t live wondering what would have happened! Do what you want to do!” but God says, “wait for me. My plan is perfect. I will mold you and shape you into who you need to be. Wait on me and my timing.”
it becomes increasingly difficult to remember which side is right after a while.
God is timeless. he sees all. He sees yesterday as if it were today. He sees tomorrow as if it’s today.. he sees all at once. he is all knowing, and he has a plan. He knows we will fail. He knows precisely when we fail. He knows when we will hit rock bottom. So even failing is in his plan. even when we look the other way and ignore Him… he knows, and he’s planned for it. He knows when we will screw up, and he is always there when we do.
He’s there even after we reject him for what we think is best for us. His arms are there to comfort us when we are so weak we cannot stand. His arms are there to hold us when all we want to do is cry. His arms are there to protect us.
and for that, I worship him. he deserves my uninterrupted worship and praise.

and…. I could go on and on about this stuff for hours.. but it’s 3 am… and i should probably head to bed! …. not even sure if this makes any sense… because i’m half asleep typing it!

What we’ll do for love

If the love is wrong,
We’ll change who we are
We’ll make compromising decisions
We’ll trick ourselves

“Love is giving someone the power to hurt you, but trusting them not to.” It’s a common quote one finds when searching love quotes… While, it is true, that loving someone is allowing them the ability to hurt you; to see into the depths of your soul, and trust that they’ll use that power for good, and not to destroy you. But sometimes, destruction is good.
I can give someone the ability to hurt me, and trust them not to…. but even when they do hurt me, I’m still thankful and that doesn’t have anything to do with “love”.
If I’m hurt, okay. The world moves on. The sun keeps shining. The earth keeps rotating. The world doesn’t stop for those of us that are hurt. We need to learn to pick up our pieces and trudge forward. Looking back only to remember what we learned, not to live in the past.

The past is important; it shaped us and molded us into who we are. No one knows where we would be had it not been for our past experiences. So we shouldn’t regret our past. Regretting our past only makes us miserable. What should be done instead of regretting our past and how things turned out, is we should consider it a learning experience. And that, my friends, is something to be celebrated–not regretted.

So, you cared more than they did? alright! There’s nothing wrong with that! It just means that you weren’t meant for them. Time wasn’t wasted though, you learned valuable information about yourself, who you are, your strengths, your weaknesses, and your limits.

So, you didn’t care as much as they did? That’s fine! Just because it wasn’t 50/50, it doesn’t mean you didn’t care for them with everything you had. You learned about what you wanted, you figured out what makes you happy, what makes you sad. You learned about your expectations and your disappointments.

So the next time I hear someone say they regret their past, I’m going to hit them over the head like Rafiki in The Lion King! Because what happened in the past, that’s where it is! It’s in the past! As Rafiki says “Ah yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it… or learn from it” and he asks Simba which one he will chose. Simba’s reply is “First thing I’m going to do is take your stick!” He made a conscious effort to not let the past be repeated.

So what will I do for love? I’ll do whatever it takes. People say you shouldn’t change who you are for someone else… but what if changing yourself is something you needed to do, and you didn’t see it because you didn’t want to have to change. What if change makes you better. Then change is good. If it makes you worse though, it’s still better. Because you learn something about yourself that you wouldn’t have learned otherwise. You learn it’s important to know who you are, and be what’s best for you– not for someone else. You learned that some things matter, but others don’t.

So I’ll do whatever it takes, whether it’s by changing who I am, or by helping shape who they are. Because ultimately, if no one is changing, you’re just stuck in a rut and you’re not going anywhere. You’re wasting your time. Example: Person A likes Person B. Person B wants Person A to dress nicer, and put more effort in to how they look. Person A says “i’m not changing for Person B! i am who I am! If person B doesn’t like that, then I don’t want them!” When, in reality… Person B was trying to help them develop self-respect for themselves.
Now, it’s not Person B’s job to help them with that, but if no one nudges the rock, it’s not going to move. If no one starts with the building design, the building will never get finished.

I’m not afraid to hurt other people’s feelings with my opinions and thoughts. Because when my opinions and thoughts hurt people’s feelings, it gets them to think about why I said what I said, and they think about their life and make their own decision about what they want to do. i gave them the paper to design their building on, someone else will give them the pencil, and they will need to design their building the way they want it to.

Anyway, I got off on a tangent, so quickly to wrap up my thought before I pass out…
The things we’ll do for love…. need to be done, even if other people think it’s the wrong decision. People form their decisions based on their past experiences. But without the past experiences, mistakes, and memories that you make for yourself, you won’t be able to help yourself or think for yourself.

So get out there. Get dirty. Make mistakes. Don’t look back. Regret nothing. Learn from everything. And keep walking. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, because eventually, you’ll run into something that makes all of your mistakes worth while. Everything will make sense again, and you’ll have something to hold onto while you’re lifting your foot and trudging forward. You’ll have shaped your footprint into the footprint you want to leave behind, and that footprint will be full of your experiences, memories, regrets, joys, and passions.